Warp Factor Ten – That First 'Big' Step by Jayne Parkhouse Meeting someone for the first time, under the right circumstances, can be a very pleasant experience, often leading to the start of a long and fruitful friendship. So why is the encounter often a fraught and difficult one when it comes to meeting a 'stranger' that we are related to by blood? It may be the result of years of preconceptions or the 'need' for the meeting to go well. For many the stress often outweighs the occasion thereby putting a real strain on this all-important first encounter. There is no right or wrong way to organise this kind of event, though, as once the initial contact has been made, let's face it, the next 'big' step in putting the jigsaw puzzle together is the meeting. How it goes, however, is determined by many factors ... Having found the person that we've been searching for it is all too easy to be emotionally charged and this is probably the first mistake that many of us make. We have to be realistic, though, take a big step back and be really honest with ourselves – this person that we've discovered is a stranger: we may have spoken to him or her by phone, written long letters and exchanged photos, but the fact remains that we are still 'strangers'. Some people jump in feet first and rush into meeting each other. And it may just work for you. This often leads to problems, though, (which are well documented) and can make for a rocky start. Emotions are running high and the feeling of euphoria is only a short rush of adrenaline, leaving many feeling flat and disappointed at the end of the day. Many of these relationships then peter out soon after they begin – not the result that was originally hoped for. Taking a deep breath, thinking things through and being as neutral as possible will help to build on those missing years. Try to build on what you already know about each other, discuss the 'whys and wherefores' of the adoption over the phone, by email or by letter. Personally, the phone brought about many long calls that provided the building blocks and paved the way for my very first encounter. How long you take before you decide to meet should be a joint decision: this is the most important part of the whole 'reunion'. If you rush in things could go wrong so taking the time to get to know each other first will help you to feel less emotional, more relaxed and much more confident. Of course, you may have already learnt that you have nothing in common, being two very different people, in which case you've spared yourself much grief. Hopefully, though, this learning zone will have provided the means to a well-received and wonderful start, for both of you. Decision made, where do you meet? This will depend on the distance that you'll both have to travel, but try to meet halfway and not in one or the other's homes – make it a neutral, but pleasant encounter. Don't go OTT with the plans, be as natural yourself as you possibly can. We all want to make a good impression and if you are comfortable in your surroundings and with how you look you are halfway there. Don't go alone, take a trusted friend, partner or counsellor; someone who will only intervene with some light conversation when there is an awkward pause and with whom you can also confide in on the 'long' journey home. Whether you're meeting is positive or not you'll need some company even if only to provide that little bit of silent support. All said and down, if you take your time to get to know the 'stranger', meet on neutral ground and have the support of a friend, you should enjoy your first meeting and hopefully, in time, he or she will become part of your life for real. Be honest from the start, though, tell them where you see the relationship going, be it mother, daughter, friend or whatever and listen to their needs as well because if you're not on the same page now things will never be comfortable between you. Take it slowly and build on what you already have, which is 'a genetic link' that could be so much more – good luck! Copyright © 2002 GENETICA Publishing Ltd