Fathers Grieve Too by Jayne Parkhouse Most of us, (and I am talking here about adopted children) take the road to discovery in the direction of our birth-mothers. Now, this may be because many natural fathers were never named on the birth certificates or, perhaps, it goes much deeper than that. Generally, men tend not to be as emotional as women are and this may be the reason why, but many male adoptees, however, are searching for their birth-mothers. Only some of us, though, opt to look for both natural parents and very few of us actually just want to find our natural fathers. It could be our reaction to the situation and then again it could be conditioning. We are all different, but in many ways, though, we are the same. Many women have a very jaded view of the male species and they may have good cause to be. Nothing, however, is ever that cut and dry. Back in the days when adoption was at its peak (in the sixties there were reportedly 500 adoptions every week) and 'fathers' were just as young and naive as many of their girlfriends the fear that the words 'I'm pregnant' could unleash just can't be comprehended today. This was the time when neighbours gossiped about you and where respectable people didn't do that sort of thing. The shame a son or daughter could bring on a family was very real and the cruel backlash made many parents fear the consequences of the 'news' getting out. They often retaliated with many a harsh word and also resorted to some desperate measures to protect their kin. It was a case of protecting the family name and the family, whatever the sacrifice – so the baby had to go, in secret, and that was it. Those were the days when 'sex' was a dirty word, when there was little or no 'sex education' and (in most cases) where neither party knew how a child was actually conceived. Believing marriage was the sole contributor of babies got many a 'teenager' into trouble. Add to that the fear and respect youngsters had for their parents and the social stigma attached to the 'bastard' child and their families (if the word ever permeated out), is it really surprising that many young men turned and ran? Fortunately for them, they had a way out, as most girls were too ashamed to say who they had 'been' with. And if the girls had named the 'father' of their unborn child many could have been prosecuted and labelled as sex offenders, although the age gap might have only been very slight. This meant that many boys (and young men for that matter) never had to tell their parents what they'd done. This is not to say that some lads didn't at least try to stick by their young ladies, but society and the stigma attached to this particular dilemma often dictated that not only was the girl sent away, but the boy was too – in opposite directions. Later, after the child had been born and adopted, it was too late. Funny how a few years, a marriage and a new baby can bring reality back with a resounding thump! Natural fathers, around the world, are still grieving, albeit in private, and many must have wondered where the child they had never seen and never held might have ended up. They may have even looked at their own youngsters of around the same age and started to think: what if? It must also be hard for them when their own families hit certain stages in their lives, the thoughts of where the adopted child was and whether he or she was happy, are all things that might be pondered on over and over, again and again through the years. Not all the men had the choice or the means to make a difference. Some did marry the girls – after the event (and no longer under their families' control) with both of them grieving together, hoping, one day, that their child would search for them, although some never saw each other again. You see, it's all too easy to say that men don't care, but there are those who do and there are web sites to support this fact. It is up to us to stop this prejudice and give everyone the right to be heard. Many of us, and I include myself here, feel no need to know our natural fathers. But I am the first to say that I do not have the right to differentiate between my birth-mother and my natural father, as they both have the right to know what became of their adopted child, if they want to; don't they? AdoptionTracker.com wants all touched by adoption to have the chance to find their birth-child(ren) or birth-parent(s). If you are a natural father and want to take that first step to find your child, we're here for you, too. Register now: you've got nothing to lose! Copyright © 2002 GENETICA Publishing Ltd