Holding On To A Dream by Su My Story... I had always been curious about my past. When I reached 18 years old I went for my counselling session, where I was given the names of my birth mother and father and the reason why I was adopted. I also discovered that I was born in Leicester. For years I was content with this information, I was still curious but I was scared of rejection. My relationship with my adoptive parents had always been quite a distant one, and I had never quite felt like I belonged. I didn't look like them, I didn't share anything in common with them and sometimes I would feel like I was from a completely different world than them, (I know for a teenager this is a common feeling) but these feelings stretched out to my aunts and cousins. The only really strong bond I had with family was with my Nan and Granddad, but unfortunately by the time I was 18, they had both passed on, leaving me with a huge feeling of not belonging. I decided that it was all going to be too much for me if my birth mother rejected me. Two years ago I bought my first computer and was in a chat room on the internet, where I started to chat with a man who owned a tracer program. Without giving it much thought, I gave him my birth mother's name and the town where she had lived, he came up with four different telephone numbers in the area. I tried the first number straight away, to find that I was talking to my birth mothers cousin, who in turn put me in touch with my grandparents. Within half an hour I was on the phone talking to my birth grandparents, my feelings were so overwhelming, all of a sudden my past was growing right in front of me. I no longer had a 'borrowed past' and they welcomed me with open arms. They gave me my birth mum's number and told me they would tell her I was in touch and I arranged with them that I would ring her the next day. The next day came all too quickly, I was excited but at the same time I was so scared, scared of what to say, wondering if she would like me and would I like her? I had never really given much thought to what sort of relationship I would want with my birth mother. The rational part of me was saying the most I could hope for was a friend, but I also couldn't help dreaming of this perfect mother-daughter relationship (which is something that I have never had). I rang her, but she was so cold, she hardly spoke, although she did tell me I could ring her anytime. The conversation was so awkward and frosty that I came off of the phone very quickly. I was very upset, I did understand though that this would all be a big shock to her. My partner suggested that I write to her, so I got both my grandparents and birth mum's addresses and wrote to them. Months went past and I heard nothing back from my birth mum at all, I wrote about three times. I tried to tell her that I understood why I was adopted, (she was only 16 when she fell pregnant with me) and that I didn't bare any resentment to her for having me adopted; she never responded. My emotions by this time were on a roller coaster - I felt so close to my past but at the same time so far away. On a brighter note, I was in regular contact with my grandparents, and eventually we decided to meet. That day was wonderful, except for the bombshell, they had to tell me. My grandparents told me that my birth mum wanted nothing to do with me, she had not told her family about me being in contact and would not be telling them. I also found out that her husband although not my father, was already with my birth mum when she was pregnant, and he was at my birth. He even wanted to bring me up as his own, but the decision was made, (because of her age) that they were too young to start a family. This unfortunately is when I am not proud of my reactions. I had no resentment towards my birth mum for having me adopted, but to not even write to just say 'leave me alone'. How could she not do that? I rang her, her son answered the phone, I asked to speak to her, when she came to the phone, I told her that I understood that she couldn't talk but could she ring me back. She very abruptly told me she would. I never heard back from her. By this time I was so angry and hurt, I felt she owed me at least a response of some sort. So I rang and spoke to her husband (I know I shouldn't have done this). I introduced myself to him and he was very warm and welcoming and assured me that he would talk to her and ring me back. He never did; I was wrong to do this, I understand that now. I felt though that because she wanted to keep me a secret, I could never build a real relationship with any member of her family. How could I build a relationship with my grandparents, when we had to meet in secret, I had to make sure that none of her family was going to be there. I had also found out that I had one half-sister and two half-brothers, and at that time I thought that I would never be able to get to know them, and in some ways this was to me as important as meeting my birth mum. I had always been an only child, and the one thing I had always wanted was a brother or sister, to find out that I had both and couldn't get to know them, was tearing me to pieces. My anger and resentment at this time was overwhelming in itself. I decided that while my feelings were so strong, I had to break away from it all until I could come to terms with everything. For two years I did not contact my birth mum or my grandparents. Four months ago, I felt stronger emotionally about it all and decided to give it one last chance with my birth mum. I wrote to her apologising for how I had reacted, but still I heard nothing. I then decided to write to my half-sister. Two months ago, I received an e-mail from my half-sister saying that she wanted to get to know me. I was so happy, to eventually have a connection with my birth family. Our relationship is very much in the early stages, but is showing promise, there is a lot of potential for a 'sister' relationship to be built upon. I have also found respect for my birth mum. She had to explain to my sister, about me, she has also given my sister (who lives at home with her) the space to make her own mind up about whether she contacts me. If I had any advice to give to anyone on this it would be two things, the first to go into the search with your eyes wide open, think carefully about what could happen. My second piece of advice is for both birth mothers and adoptees to not forget there are other people's emotions involved in this situation. It is too easy to get bogged down by your own emotions to consider what effect you are having on the other person. Su Copyright © 2002 AdoptionTracker.com