Adopting the Gay Approach by Jay Bellamy If you have read our 'Latest News' section, then you're already familiar with the subject of 'gay adoption'. In many countries it is already part and parcel of child placement and adoption law. Therefore, AdoptionTracker.com decided it was time to get the inside story on gay adoption, without sensationalism or bias. We approached someone who was willing to provide us with his views, from two totally different perspectives. 'John' is a family man with three children and a wife, who he now lives with as a friend only. He has 'come-out' after many years of self-denial, and agreed to answer our questions on whether 'gay' adoption could work. John provided some frank and honest answers in a debate that is sure to keep burning for many years to come. AdoptionTracker.com(AT.com) asked 'John' some searching questions on his own beliefs from his experience as an 'ordinary' family man and now as someone who is part of the 'gay' community. We wanted to know if he thought a 'gay' couple could provide a stable family environment for a child and here's his response. John explained to AT.com that in the early days of a relationship, when you're in love anything can seem possible. However, he expressed doubt about the stability of such a family on a long term basis saying, "I can't think of any (gay) relationship that has lasted for long, and many are emotionally rocky". (AT.com)- But isn't that the case with many couples in an 'ordinary' heterosexual relationship? John - "They tend to find their soul-mate and work at the relationship, while we (gays) have different emotional needs and are often looking for something quite different". Pondering for a moment he added, "There always seems to be a lot of mistrust and one partner or the other always seems to be suffering from depression, there's just no stability in the relationship". (AT.com) - If your wife had turned to another women, would you have been happy for them to bring up your children as a couple. John - "No I'd have fought her all the way". (AT.com)- Did you ever consider you and your partner bringing them up? John - "My wife told me to take them at one point, and I would have, but I know now it would have been a disaster. My partner couldn't have coped and the kids would have had a rough time at school". (AT.com)- Why would they have had a rough time at school? John - "They would have been ridiculed if the other kids had found out about their 'family' life and they would probably have been bullied". (AT.com)- Aren't kids ridiculed and bullied for lots of reasons anyway? John - "I suppose so, but why put them in the firing line"? (AT.com) - Do your kids know about your 'other' life? John - "Yes, and they stay-over sometimes when I'm with my partner". (AT.com)- But you wouldn't advocate gay adoption? John - "I didn't say that, it would have to be decided case by case, wouldn't it"? (AT.com)- If you had to put one of your children up for adoption and a gay couple wanted to adopt, would you want that for him or her, how would you honestly feel? John - "No, I wouldn't want that". He paused momentarily and added, " If the choice was that or no home, or worse still a home with an 'ordinary' couple who may abuse him, I'd pick the gay couple". (AT.com) - Okay so we have an 'ordinary' couple or a 'gay' couple, both offering a caring home? John - "Well you just want the best for the child don't you? We (same-sex couples) already come with our own emotional baggage, so I don't know, it's probably right for some. Many gay couples have a lot to offer – it's a hard call to make". (AT.com)- You seem to be undecided? John - "No, on the whole the relationships (same-sex) I see don't last more than a few years. I'm not saying it wouldn't work, but there are a lot of other issues to consider, such as how the child will cope. I've never been asked the question before and it is not that easy to answer". (AT.com)- Apologies, we're not trying to railroad you one way or the other. It's one area of adoption that many people will be debating for years to come. Apparently, not all children that are placed with new parents are better off or loved. John - "On the whole, I don't think many couples in our position (same sex) are able to provide each other with the commitment needed and in my own relationship it wouldn't work. Most of the people I know don't have the right stability to bring up a child, they are too selfish, but there are couples out there that have a lot to offer a child that could otherwise spend their whole life in a worse situation". (AT.com) - Thank you for being so open with us, I'm sure there will be many who agree with your own personal views and many who won't: the debate continues. AdoptionTracker.com wishes to point out that when we use the word 'gay' it is in the context of both 'same-sex' relationships and that John's comments are not solely directed at men. The name 'John' has been used to protect the identity of the individual, because AdoptionTracker.com advocates privacy and confidentiality. John dislikes the word 'gay' we therefore apologise if using the words 'gay' or 'ordinary' causes offence. However, it is difficult to differentiate without some reference to either or both. As always, your comments are welcome: email research@AdoptionTracker.com Copyright © 2002 GENETICA Publishing Ltd