I Blame Society – Who Do you Blame? by Jay Bellamy Forty or fifty years ago an unmarried mother was a social outcast, she brought shame on her family and was no longer an eligible 'catch'. Her shameful dilemma would be hidden wherever possible and families sought to keep their 'dirty' secret hidden. If the girl was 'too far gone' she was sent away to have the baby in secret and if not, a back-street abortion was her only escape. These were desperate measures and prone to both physiological and physical scaring for life, but the pretence had to be; many women suffered and still do from what was then deemed as the 'only way' to cleanse them. If you were one of those 'girls' you'll know what I mean. Don't talk about it; don't tell anyone, because 'life' must simply go on. Well for many - it did; but 'life' has its drawbacks… Giving up a child is never easy, even when it really is 'your' decision. Only then, it wasn't – society dictated what was right and what was wrong. And just when you thought things had changed for the better and that society had changed its views, some one says, as I do, "think again"! Yes, children are born out of wedlock, and many more - in what is now deemed a far more promiscuous society, but the pressure that is brought to bear has turned full circle. Whether you are fourteen, fifteen, or even twenty years old, do you really think you have a choice? Society makes the rules; you and I only abide by them. These days, be it a new century, if you find yourself in this 'situation' do you really believe that the choice is yours and yours alone? We have recently heard about the women visiting a US abortion clinic, they have made probably made the hardest decision of all. These are the women that have been ridiculed by anti-abortion groups who seek to post these women's photos on the Internet for all to see – dubbed 'murders' how can they simply carry on; even with counselling. If you've ever had to make a decision, whether for health or personal reasons it is never taken likely – should society really pass judgement on everyone who passes through those doors? The rules 'society' makes may change, but in essence what they actually do is remove the rights of all women who wish to make a choice – a choice that will change the destiny of their unborn child. Are we really so naive that we think 'one rule' fits all? Today the pressures brought to bear may be different, but they are still there, with more children being born to single mothers, why are we now enforcing a new stigma on the rights of 'birth mothers' to decide their children's fate. And we do. More girls opt to bring their own children up as single and state-dependant than ever before. This decision is not always based on the fact that they want to be young mothers, but because 'society' frowns on the women that decide to give their children up for adoption. But what if motherhood is either not for them, (purely because they are too young) or they truly feel that their child may have a better life with a family that can provide for their child with immediate effect? The truth is the pressure brought to bear can be just as great as those posed on the birth mothers of the forties and fifties. I am not pro-abortion, nor anti-abortion, I believe that every one has the right to decide their own destiny. And for those who want to, or need to see their pregnancy through, the right to make a decision, which will ultimately decide not only their fate but that of their child's, should rest firmly with them – the individual. Women should not be governed by 'society' but by the very instincts that are borne in us all – as mothers we do have the right to choose. I may have upset a few feelings and I may not be hitting the right chord with everyone, but the truth is there for all to see. We now have many more children looking for foster homes in the 21stC than ever before and we have to ask why? Is it 'society' that is failing them, or simply the fact, that as individuals we are unable to make the right decision when it most matters? Adoption is no longer a dirty word, it is a way to make families strong, share the burden of a society that has more scorn to pour than wisdom, and a moral ground that has long gone sour. However, let me lay this squarely at your door; we are 'society' you and I, we make the rules that others abide by. We mould other peoples lives; so let us change the way we 'see' others and let them make the choices that will sculpt our future generations – let's promote a more caring society, a more forgiving society, and a more genuine society. Remove the pressure to 'fit in' and let's promote a more caring and accepting society; one, which can stand up and be counted; no scorn, no judgements and more answers. The rights of all; honoured and supported for the right reasons and not because it's easier to jump on a 'common' bandwagon that that has no solid ground to support it. AdoptionTracker.com welcomes discussion on all editorial coverage: Email research@Adoptiontracker.com Copyright © 2002 GENETICA Publishing Ltd